Would I Be Happier With Someone Else?

Oh that heralded question: "Would I be happier with someone else?" Maybe, but I doubt it. Here's why. Forget not the benefits of the one your with my friend. That's it in a nutshell. Why is that so important?

Sure, perhaps you could have more physical intimacy, more laughs, more happiness with someone else, but for how long? And when will that relationship begin to look like the war ravaged one you have now?? Soon my friends. Too Soon.

Remember when you first started dating your husband or wife. Everyone is on their best behavior, your looking good, your passionate, your making every effort to impress. Then seven years later you find yourself irritated by every single thing your mate does! How does that happen?

Well, I don't know. It seems though that I've taken my mind off of the dream a bit too much and have done a 360 and I'm looking too much at realities. I have a wonderful wife. No, I have a one in a million wife whom any guy would die for. Problem is, perhaps like you, I sometimes focus far too much on her negatives.

Another thing too, as a man, I have to be the one to initiate things, and I often forget that I cannot expect her to be the one to make the first moves when it comes to physical, spiritual, or financial matters. I have to be the first.

I share this article from my heart to those who are struggling in their marriage. Yesterday I told my wife I felt like two angels crossed my path. After a series of arguments yesterday I met a wonderful elderly couple who simply looked over at me and said: "You really have a good life, don't you sir!"

I turned around and saw two pearly white smiles of a contented vacationing elderly couple. The man was wearing tan bermuda shorts, wire-rimmed glasses, and a big blue Hawaain shirt. The lady, his wife, simply smiled at me, a graceful lady with long flowing white hair. I replied, "Yes sir, I do."

Anyways, I want to keep this short, sweet, and to the point. You wouldn't be happier with someone else no matter how pretty, how passionate, or how handsome. Here's why-After time you will simply revert back to all your old problems and issues. Sure, certain areas may improve, others may improve grandiously, but sure enough, your temper, your upbringing, and everything else will show it's ugly face over time.

Unfortunately, I do speak from experience. I married twice in my life for the wrong reasons, one because I was in a hurry to get married, and the second, because of a solely physical relationship that lacked any substance at all. Finally, through prayer, and pre-marital counseling, I met the woman of my dreams.

Things are not perfect for me, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the feeling of: "Why do I put up with this?" The reason you put up with it is because you made a vow and you did it with your heart, not just your quick changing mind.

There are many times in marriages where the other person doesn't give like they should. It's up to you to be the giver, and hopefully your mate will come along over time. Marriage counseling may help, but ultimately you're going to have to give your problems to God and be willing to change yourself.

A very good friend of my wife's, let's call her Kimmy, recently shared that she "put her husband's stuff on the doorstep" after nearly twenty years of marriage. She was frustrated and fed up. Long story short, he cried profusely, something he had never done in front of her, and she took him back.

She then went on to say that she had never let her husband love her because she had all these walls up. Then she said: "I realized I'm the one that needs to change, not him." I looked at my wife, had a deja vu, and thought-that's my wife too! Kimmy then shared that for the first time she is starting to share her love with her husband even after eleven years and three children! Who can truly understand the heart of a woman?

Kimmy and her husband went to a couple at their church who counsels marriages, they call themselves marriage mentors, and they poured out their problems for hours to this experienced couple. Kimmy said she learned more about marriage in those three hours than she had in her entire eleven years of marriage.

I've heard many couples at my church state that they are getting success by enliciting help from other successful Christian couples. My advice is to seek out a couple in your church or friends that you can trust, to help you move through the tough times. Stamp and seal them your "mentors" and stick to their advice like crazy glue!

Also, keep one thing in mind, Kimmy said it and I'm saying it now. You are the one who needs to change. Not your mate. Who out there would divorce a giving, loving, passionate, and caring wife or husband? No one I dare say. Become an extreme lover of your wife and perhaps you'll see as I have, that she'll never let you go...

Why Most People Settle For a Poor Relationship

Some people have the relationships of their dreams, but most people don't. Most people are secretly suffering and settling -- stuck wishing things were better without much chance of change. What's the difference? What keeps people trapped in dead end situations? There are three main reasons why people don't have the relationships of their dreams.

Reason #1: Blaming their partner for the problems. "It's all their fault!"

The first and most obvious reason is blaming their partner for everything. They think, "If my partner would only change, things would be perfect." This is such an easy trap to fall into, but if you think about it, it's very dis-empowering. Why? Because it implies that your future and happiness depends on somebody else changing. And when you think about how hard it is to change your own behavior (as in dieting, quitting smoking, working out, etc.) you start to realize that this strategy is not going to be very successful.

Reason #2: "People know what to do, but they're not doing what they know."

Some people don't have the relationship of their dreams because they are not willing to do the things that they know would help transform the relationship. This is often a spin-off of reason #1. After-all, "It's their fault, why should I change?" It also may be because of past programming, conditioning and baggage. But whatever is stopping you, you may be unwilling to lead the transformation in your relationship.

Reason #3, "You are willing to change, you just don't know what to change."

The last reason you might not have the relationship of your dreams, is that you don't know what to do. You don't have the tools, skills and training to deal with the emotional, impactful and important issues that come up in relationships without taking it personally or making it personal -- without attacking or defending. Doctors learn the language of medicine. Attorneys learn the language of law. Plumbers learn the language of pluming. And couples need to learn the language of compassion and understanding for relationships. You may not have the specialized skills you need to listen effectively so your partner really wants to talk openly and vulnerably with you.(Most people don't. not even doctors and lawyers. Look at their divorce rates!) Or, you may not have the skills that will allow you to talk in a way that your partner will really want to listen and understand you. When issues come up in a relationship here are some of the strategies people try: First and foremost is the "Ignore It and Hope It Goes Away" strategy. This is by far the easiest strategy, and at the same time, the least effective.

Occasionally it does work because the level of drama and emotions is reduced. But usually it ends up in only suppressing the drama for the moment, but never resolving it. The second strategy is asking friends and family for advice. Warning. be very careful about seeking advice from friends and family. Before you do, look at their relationships and see whether or not those relationships are ones you are envious of.

Do they walk their talk? If you followed their advice would you have the relationship of your dreams? The third strategy is reading articles and books, listening to tapes and watching Dr. Phil or Oprah. I am all for this, as there are some amazing books out there by some great relationship experts. The drawback is that often times what you really need is much more of a hands-on approach. You wouldn't want to learn how to parachute from a book "The Idiots Guide To Jumping Out Of a Plane". but once you know how to skydive, you can use a book for some fine tuning tips. The fourth strategy is counseling and therapy. I will give you a mixed review on these. There are definitely people out there who can help you totally transform your relationship... but there are also people out there who are charging an awful lot of money and can't even maintain a relationship of their own. Most therapy is set up around solving a specific problem, rather than giving you the tools and training to be able to communicate about any issue with compassion, intimacy and understanding.

And then there's the fifth and often most effective strategy: get yourself a relationship coach. If you were going to lose weight or get in shape. there are three things you need, first a commitment, next a system you can stick to and lastly a good trainer or coach.

You need someone who will teach you, inspire you and if needed, kick you in the butt to keep on the path.

Getting your relationship in shape is not a quick fix. You don't go to the gym once a year and actually expect any lasting results. Do you?

Seek a coach who is knowledgeable about HOW to improve your relationship - somebody who can give you the tools to dig out what's bugging you from your past, and the skill to move through those issues in the present.

Seek a coach who will work with you compassionately.